FORREEEALLL <3

So along this pursuit of happiness there are things my closest friends have opened my eyes to about myself and things that I have learned about myself on my own.

A problem or a flaw, I think, in who I am and how I handle life’s hurdles is RUNNING AWAY.

I ran away from reality by doing drugs, I ran away from doing drugs by commiting 6 years of my life to someone, I ran away from the fact that I was unhappy with that person by burying myself in school, I ran away from the break up by drinking and pretending I had no heart, I ran away from the fact I hurt people that got close to me, I ran away from facing everyone and everything by moving and thinking I’d never look back….

And here I am…dealing with more issues that require me to face myself and everyone around me..and what have I thought about doing? Escaping.

ESCAPING? but how? I feel like I’ve done everything to ever keep my mind of facing truth. Maybe its because I never looked back and realized how close the past was to haunting me.

I turned around for a split second, and its like my past has caught up to me with a huge punch in the face…the cycle is starting over again. Only I have more responsibility and A LOT on the line…Maybe because I told myself I would deal with it later and later is here. WTF do I do?

I just don’t want to feel. Is it me being heartless again? I think the wall I cemented so very high isn’t high enough. I’m losing sight of what I wanted..or is that what I even really wanted? When I thought I was so confident in achieving my goals no matter what, the biggest obstacle so far is trying to figure out if the goals I set were the goals I chose or were they out spite and wanting to prove something?

I think its time for reevaluation of my mindset and what I had hoped to achieve from my last adventure of moving away. On my pursuit of happiness..I cannot run away like I used to. Its time to face it. conquer it and hold strong because I know there is NO MORE RUNNING AWAY for me…

lsunews:

LSU’s homecoming opponent this weekend has an unusual sideline mascot.

What is it?

cwnl:

Infinite Cave in Vietnam

The amazing photo featured above was taken in a huge cavern complex within the bowels of central Vietnam – in Phong Nha-Ke Bang National Park. During the spring of 2009, a team of spelunkers began exploring a mountain river cave in Vietnam and discovered a passage carved by a subterranean river millions of years ago.

Like a castle on a knoll, a limestone formation shines beneath a skylight in Hang Son Doong Cave. A monsoon storm had just filled the pool in the foreground, signaling that exploring season was ending. Referred to as the “infinite cave” this underground labyrinth is more than 2.5 mi long (4.0 km).

Photographer: Carsten Peter/©National Geographic Magazine

Summary Author: Mark Jenkins/©National Geographic Magazine

WOWZERRRSSSSS

*1. devil in 2011. 2. Cat in 2009 3. Bunny in 2007….Well I must say, my skankiness hasn’t left me..but I sure as hell know how to get my $$s worth of my lingerie…I’m thinking bad angel next year..with a blk tutu, blk halo and blk wings..YES!?

i refuse to cry in public unless its for the right reason..

minus the house-wife outfit..

So my mom sent me an “I miss you-happy halloween” card. I balled like a child..

There is so much behind this, more than words can explain. A little more about me and why this made me ball like a child.

From the beginning, when all things were simple and I wasn’t even tall enough to reach the door knobs. My childhood, I must say, was not bad nor was a spoiled beyond control. My parents were not rich so the both worked, my dad worked nights and my mom worked days leaving me without my mom and dad for at least the for 6 to 7 years of my life. My grandmother, on my mom’s side, was petitioned to come to the states to care for me. She had been the closest person to me for the majority of my life. She was the person the raised me, instilled her values, her knowledge, her crazy Filipino ways. I was fluent in Tagalog and semi-fluent in illocano. Anyways, my Mamang (what I called her) was essentially my mother and father.

So time went on, 3 of my moms sisters immigrated to the US and by this time I was 13. Just on the verge of the fantastic age of rebellion, when I got the most devastating news ever. Mamang was moving to San Francisco with my 3 aunts because a lot of our family lived there, and it wasn’t much of a culture shock since San Fran is like little Manilla.

Mamang and my aunts moved out, my mom and dad worked the same day shifts and here I was left with two people that had no idea who I was.

FAST FORWARD: The past few years my mother and I butted heads. I did spend a lot of quality time with my dad and we were close. But being that my mom WAS NOT raised by my grandmother, their ways were completely different. I know my mom does the things that she does/says because she loves me and doesn’t want me to make mistakes.

Anyhoo..now that I have moved away from home and live in Dallas for work we do get along much better and YES I AM ADMITTING IT I MISS THE HECK OUTTA THAT CRAZY WOMAN I CALL MOM. Her sending me this card really makes me sad that we couldn’t have the relationship that I have with my grandmother..Homesick for alot of reasons..

i think i can say something like this to someone i know o.O muahahah